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Post by fordlord on Feb 21, 2010 23:13:43 GMT -5
post your "clean" dirty/funny jokes here....remember the rules guys....
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Post by fordlord on Feb 21, 2010 23:14:08 GMT -5
post your "clean" dirty/funny jokes here....remember the rules guys.... As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Post by fordlord on Feb 21, 2010 23:16:32 GMT -5
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
here's one.......
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
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Post by fordlord on Feb 21, 2010 23:25:20 GMT -5
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
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Post by 307ci on Feb 21, 2010 23:38:32 GMT -5
so little johnny is sitting in class one day. the teacher then tells the class that the word of the day is definately and asked if anyone can use definately in a sentence. so little sue raises her hand and says "the grass is definately green", the teacher says " well it is right now but it can be brown, so anyone else",, little kenny raises his hand and says "the sky is definately blue", the teacher goes " well it is rite now but it can be gray at times, so anyone else",,, little johnny raises his hand and asks the teacher "is a fart a fart even if it has lumps?", the teacher responds "well i dont think so", little johnny then replied "well then i definately shat my pants"
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Post by fordlord on Feb 21, 2010 23:46:07 GMT -5
Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Post by fordlord on Feb 21, 2010 23:47:42 GMT -5
How to Know where a Driver is from One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: California
With gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"
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Post by 307ci on Feb 21, 2010 23:52:38 GMT -5
the texas country male sounds like me
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Post by fordlord on Feb 21, 2010 23:56:24 GMT -5
the texas country male sounds like me lol...i like this one.....the carburettor "The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."
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Post by pipesrmylife on Feb 21, 2010 23:58:17 GMT -5
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber says "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!"
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They r n heaven trying 2 enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ' tami, have you ever had any contact with a male naughty organ? ' She giggles and shyly replies, Well i once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. ' He says okay dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates. He ask the next girl the same question she says well i once fondled and stroked one, he says okay dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gates. All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One pushes her way to the front of the line. When she gets there he asks, lacy, what seems to be the rush? She says ' if i'm going to have to gargle that holy water i want to do it before jessica sticks her @$$ in it!
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Post by fordlord on Feb 21, 2010 23:59:28 GMT -5
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber says "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!" A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They r n heaven trying 2 enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ' tami, have you ever had any contact with a male naughty organ? ' She giggles and shyly replies, Well i once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. ' He says okay dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates. He ask the next girl the same question she says well i once fondled and stroked one, he says okay dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gates. All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One pushes her way to the front of the line. When she gets there he asks, lacy, what seems to be the rush? She says ' if i'm going to have to gargle that holy water i want to do it before jessica sticks her @$$ in it! lmao........Signs That You're Broke At communion you go back for seconds. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice. McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
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Post by 307ci on Feb 22, 2010 0:10:20 GMT -5
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber says "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!" A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They r n heaven trying 2 enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ' tami, have you ever had any contact with a male naughty organ? ' She giggles and shyly replies, Well i once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. ' He says okay dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates. He ask the next girl the same question she says well i once fondled and stroked one, he says okay dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gates. All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One pushes her way to the front of the line. When she gets there he asks, lacy, what seems to be the rush? She says ' if i'm going to have to gargle that holy water i want to do it before jessica sticks her @$$ in it! u got both of those from forwards from me im pretty sure ( i got them from my dad, he is a sick guy) ;D
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Post by fordlord on Feb 22, 2010 0:42:06 GMT -5
lol...good jokes guys i can see that this will be a popular feature on the site but like they say......laughter is the best medicine(but so is: derbying,beer,sex,engines,4wd'setc.)
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Post by hardhitinu on Feb 22, 2010 15:51:10 GMT -5
some good ones on here.
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Post by 307ci on Feb 24, 2010 0:12:48 GMT -5
Did you know that the word race car spelled backward says "racecar". That eat is the only word taht if you take the 1st letter and move it to the the last, it spells it's past tense "ate". And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out " F#ck off and go home you free-loading, benifit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-english speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandel wearing, bomb making, goat f#cking, smelly rag head b@stards with you,"
HOW WIERD IS THAT?
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