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Post by pipesrmylife on Feb 25, 2010 22:45:13 GMT -5
That is the funniest picture ever ha oh ya know school life was terrible today when we find stuff like this lol. on the subject of tiger woods so we were lookin at pics of his wife and look what happens to pop up haha
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Post by fordlord on Feb 26, 2010 23:18:53 GMT -5
New medicine was just approved for depression,anger,anxiety,etc. ;D
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Post by derbyfreak14 on Feb 28, 2010 19:56:41 GMT -5
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
A housewife takes a lover during the > day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 > year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home > unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy > now has company. > > > > Boy: "Dark in here." > > > > Man: "Yes it is." > > > > Boy: "I have a baseball." > > > > Man: "That's nice." > > > > Boy: "Want to buy it?" > > > > Man: "No, thanks." > > > > Boy: "My dad's outside." > > > > Man: "OK, how much?" > > > > Boy: "$250." > > > > In the next few weeks, it happens again > that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet > together. > > > > Boy: "Dark in here." > > > > Man: "Yes, it is." > > > > Boy: "I have a baseball > glove." > > > > Man: "How much?" > > > > Boy: "$750." > > > > Man: "Fine." > > > > A few days later, the father says to > the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and > toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I > sold them." The father asks, "How much did you > sell them for?" The son says,"$1,000." The > father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your > friends like that. That is way more than those two things > cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you > confess." They go to church and the father alerts the > priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth > and closes the door. > > > > The boy says, "Dark in here." > > > > The priest says, "Don't start > that shit again."
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Post by derbyfreak14 on Feb 28, 2010 20:57:51 GMT -5
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack 's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ' Bob , do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?
Things NOT to say during sex..........
I have to poop!
Smile for the camera!
Get off me, I'll do it myself!
Is this your first time!
You're almost as good as my ex!
When is this supposed to feel good!
I thought you had the key to the handcuffs!
I was so horny tonight, I would have taken a sheep home!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper!
Hey,my friends were right, you are good!
On second thought, lets turn off the lights!
I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
But everyone looks funny naked!
Do i have to pay for this?
NO!!You're too fat to be on top,You'd kill me!
Actually, your sister likes it like this too!
What's your name again?
Hold on, let me change the channel!
and the winner is....... It's nice being in bed with someone I dont have to inflate!
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Post by derbyfreak14 on Feb 28, 2010 20:58:52 GMT -5
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet...!!
I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also February 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.
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Post by fordlord on Feb 28, 2010 21:21:28 GMT -5
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet...!! I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also February 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. lmao ;D
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Post by derbyfreak14 on Mar 1, 2010 17:29:39 GMT -5
I take it you like that one. lmao
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Post by derbyfreak14 on Mar 1, 2010 17:31:51 GMT -5
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has
a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the hell do you think?"
Airplane Humour
In case you may need a laugh: Always remember that it takes a university degree and 5 years training to fly a plane but only a handful of highers to fix one! Reassurance for all those who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an M) by the maintenance engineers. By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit. M: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. M: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear. M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. M: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. M: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield M: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing. M: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. M: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. M: Took hammer away from the midget.
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Post by 307ci on Mar 1, 2010 17:55:15 GMT -5
what is 3 feet tall and has 400 arms and legs???
all the buildings in Haiti
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Post by fordlord on Mar 2, 2010 20:58:35 GMT -5
what is 3 feet tall and has 400 arms and legs??? all the buildings in Haiti That is the best joke i have heard so far in 2010!!! ;D lmfao ;D
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Post by HotWired_Customs on Mar 3, 2010 0:07:23 GMT -5
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Post by HotWired_Customs on Mar 3, 2010 0:33:34 GMT -5
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"
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Post by fordlord on Mar 3, 2010 1:10:05 GMT -5
lol...good one Nicole!!
Here are some more funny bumper stickers......
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Adults are just kids who owe money
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it.
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crazycruzjr
Rookie
watch out i got my foot to the floor
Posts: 16
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Post by crazycruzjr on Mar 3, 2010 21:55:22 GMT -5
here is one for everybody
so ms johnson ask her class if there are 3 crows on the power line and you shoot one how many are left on the line little johnny raises his hand and says none ms johnson says how did you get that little johnny says if i shoot one the noise will scare the other 2 away ms johnson says thats not right but i like the way you think so the next day little johnny comes in and ask tell ms johnson he has a joke for her if there are 3 women in the ice cream parlor each having an ice cream cone one is licking hers one is sucking hers and the last one is biting hers little johnny ask ms johnso which one is married she goes i guess the one that is sucking is married little johnny goes no the one with a weding ring but i like the way you think so trying to get the subject back to a more religuos matter ms johnson ask the class if you die what part of your body goes to hevean first little johnny raises his hand and says your feet ms johnson goes how the hell did you come up with that little johnny goes well just the other night i was walking past my parents room and moms legs were up in the air screaming oh god oh god im cumming and if it wasnt for dad jumping on top of her we would of lost her lol
later crazycruzjr
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Post by fordlord on Mar 3, 2010 22:45:48 GMT -5
Funny comic
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